Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Icky Emotional Post

Ten more days.

Ten days from now I'll be unconscious while a surgeon snips my spinal cord freeing it. While I look forward to it's emancipation, I'm afraid. And in pain. And thoroughly overwhelmed.

There is so much that I cannot do right now. The normal part of me wants to get everyone ready, put meals in the freezer, plan lessons, spend some outrageously romantic evenings with my husband. Fill everyone up with love so come what may, they'll get through while I lie perfectly still, heal, learn to function again.

But instead I can't do anything. I wake up with a handful of medicine under my chin and my husband's gentle prodding to take it, it'll make me feel better. I hurt so bad that simple things like walking across the room require courage. I don't sleep yet I fall asleep all the time.

All the things I like about myself are stripped away right now.

Normally I'm useful, competent, innovative, creative, fun.

Now people wince when they see me walk. The kids eyes fill with tears when one look shows them that I was crying the whole time they were outside.

I can't ready, prepare and bolster. I can sit and think fuzzy thoughts and count down the days on the calendar.


Elizabeth R. said...

Dear Nicole, I've been thinking about you lately. How I wish your community was more welcoming, so you would have people there to rally around you and make your meals and help you out. I know you take on so much of the workload for keeping your household going. But I also am sure you have done an excellent job of raising independent, self-reliant boys who will take care of their mom and help out your dear husband. Prayers for a full recovery and looking forward to a happy spring for you when it arrives.

Carmen said...

I was just thinking about you today. I'm so glad you posted. 10 days probably seems so far away and yet so close at the same time.

I've got everything crossed for you Nicole.

MaryC said...

Nicole, I sort of know how you feel. Not the can't do anything part because I could do almost everything before the leg surgery. But I get the scared and freaked out part. Be sure you tell your anesthesiologist how scared you are and to make sure you get lots of oxygen.
Please know we are all praying for your full recovery and no complications. Also, for your dh and children because I know they are scared too.
If you need someone to come and help, you KNOW I will come. I would do anything for you.

Scrapamum said...

My thoughts are with you Nicole. I am so glad that you get to have the surgery. Just keep thinking positive thoughts and how wonderful your life will be painless. 10 days is less than 2 weeks. You can make it!!!!

Anonymous said...

Aw Nicole, I empathize. I've been through something similar and (as a fellow crafter/organizer/do-er) I know how rough it is to be stripped of these abilities that nourish and define us. The hardest lesson I've had to learn is to view rest as PRODUCTIVITY. Essentially, it is. You are fortifying your body and doing what you must in order to be the spectacular human being you are!

Hang in there...catch up on some movies you've been meaning to see. :-) I'll be wishing you tons of luck and speedy healing.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Nicole. I hear your frustration and discontent. It sucks to be in a holding pattern like this; it sucks to not even have the comfort of yourself.

The things I see as quintessentially you have not been stripped away. They're still there, they're still strong, they're still as easy to love as they ever were. It was never the doing that was the special Nicole brand of love; it was the doing all that you could do that was the special Nicole love.

You're still doing all that you can do. I know it frustrates you horribly that the absolute amount has shrunk so much, but Nicole, sweetheart: you're still every bit as much there as you ever were. Waiting to cry until your kids are out of the house? That's as much as you can do for them right now, and so that's what you're doing. Believe me, that's absolutely you, through and through.

Hang in there, sweetie. I know it's hard and horrible and you hate so much of it. That's okay. All you got to do right now is just keep on hangin' in.

Mima said...

Nicole so sorry to hear that you are going through troubles, keeping strong is a tough thing to do and it sounds as if you are doing it wonderfully even if you are doubting yourself. All the best of luck for your surgery, prayers are heading in your direction. Being scared is normal - so don't knock yourself for something that anyone would be feeling. Just so sorry to hear that you have to go through this.

Mel R said...

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best and positive energy I can!

Shannon Brouwer said...

Thinking of you and praying for you even though we have never met IRL you amaze me girl. You will get past all this it will be hard but you can do it :)

Christy said...

Nicole, I've been waiting for another post to see how thinngs are going. I'm tearing up just reading your posting. I am anxious for you to find relief. I know your family will be right there with you through your recovery and I'm sure you've prepped them for anything. Thinking of you often. Feel better soon. If you are up to it, I need your address as well. Get better soon!

grrlpup said...

Sometimes it's almost worse to have loved ones around suffering too... it adds a layer of guilt, even though obviously they want to be there and helping!

Waiting is hard. Waiting for something that holds both promise and dread is even harder!

Thinking of you many times every day.

Jenna Bayley-Burke said...

Honey, you've been preparing for years. Your life will be stuck in neutral for a while, but amazing things happen when you're coasting. And, it's far better than grinding gears.

I don't worry about you at all once you're home. You're used to the vibrant sounds of boy life. It feeds you. I'm anxious for you while you're stuck in the hospital. That will be as foreign to you as being on an alien space ship. If you feel the need to plan ahead, I'd load an iPod and collect DVDs.

You're going to be better than ever by Valentine's Day. How exciting is that!

Kathi said...


It's perfectly reasonable to be worried right now. In fact, I'd be worried if you weren't.

You've already done your job. Through your efforts your menfolk are more than capable of taking care of themselves and you while you rest and recuperate.

It's less than two weeks until you begin a new chapter of your life. One that is free from pain and fear of the future. Hold onto that thought.

If there is anything I can do, I will.

MaryEllen said...

Wish I had the right words or could be there. Love you, my friend.

Stephanie said...

Four words:

I know you don't know me from a hole in the ground, but ever since I found you through Bombshell, I've been following you. I have never known of a stronger, more courageous woman than you, who despite everything, seems to be more concerned about the well-being of others no matter what. You'll be in my thoughts during your surgery & recovery...wishing you all of the best.

SprinkleBakes said...

The waiting has to be pretty tough, but after this is all over you'll be looking forward and just think of all that unleashed creative energy you will have. Good things are waiting to happen for you. I just know it.

Cheryl Valadez said...

Nicole, my heart goes out to you. You are strong and courageous and I know there are wonderful things waiting for you at the end of all of this. Hang in there and be ready to catch all this positive energy that we are sending your way :)

LisaNRoxy said...

Hugs to you my friend. I cannot imagine what you endure each day. The only positive is the fact taht the surgery will make you whole soon. Do not put too much pressure on yourself. You want to give too much. Just a few more days until relief will arrive. Focus on that incredible courage you have and know you will have many many thoughts and prayers surrounding you as you embark on the next journey. The end result will give you back all the wonderful things you are! PS - its ok to be scared - the family will do great while you are recovering and you have so many memories to create in teh future!

GlitteryKatie said...

*gentle squidgy hugs*
Don't have any words of wisom-just keep plodding on-one day this will all be a distant memory.