My Problem In a Bean Shell

These beans are causing an existential crisis. 

Or perhaps it's these chocolates:

Huh? Wondering if I've flipped my wig once and for all. No, not yet at least.

See, my issue is best explained if you look around my kitchen. While drafting this post, on the island is the above beans and chocolates.  On the counter to the left of the stove is fresh ground wheat awaiting it's ride in the mixer for it's one-way trip to Breadville. To the right of the stove is about fifteen bars of soap curing. They need to sit out a bit before I package them up. My three sons are doing math at the table. Is my problem starting to become clear yet?

Hints:

• The chocolates are luscious and have a depth of flavor so absolutely amazing I'll never buy See's again. Never. They weren't that hard to make either - more time consuming than difficult.

• I have ridiculously sensitive skin. My dermatologist said I am the only patient he's ever seen react to saline during the scratch test. Commercially made soap is too harsh so I make my own; we have for years, I can't imagine going back.

• Store bought bread is gross and has weird stuff in it that I don't feel good about feeding my family. When we do buy bread we all wrinkle our noses up. It's just not nice.

• And we homeschool for too many reasons to go to in this post.

So why am I bothered by a harmless bowl of soybeans? 

They represent another area of my life where if I know how great the alternate is, I may never go back. Whispers of delicious soy milk and tender, fresh tofu have been creeping into my conscious. When I grab a carton of Silk, there is a nagging knowledge, pulling at me, that we could do so much better ourselves.

But as a woman, a mother, a person plagued (at least for now) with chronic illness, do I really want to add another thing to my already over-flowing plate? 

When most folks run out of bread or soap they pick up a bar or loaf at the grocery store. For me, it's a three hour venture. Would I change that? Of course not. But do I want to add more to the list of things where the responsibility falls squarely on my shoulders? I'm not sure. Not sure at all.

Once I soak those beans, there's no turning back without failure. Because once we know how good it can be, why would I settle for less for the family I've been so blessed with. If making our own soy milk and tofu becomes the norm; then the times when I can't will be yet another concession my dear ones have to suffer in the name of my bad health. Soaking the beans will turn what is now acceptable into an unwanted compromise.

See: Beans = crisis.